1998-12-16 - Fall Orgo Night
College Reading Room of Butler Library, 11:59pm
[March in to Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, and organic chemistry students, back despite the fact that Dan Gati can suck our collective dick, it's the most shit upon band in the world: The Columbia University Marching Slavic Languages Department.
[fanfare]
Featuring:
J. This Side - Tingling
J. That Side - Not Tingling
and J. all of you - That Means You're Not Working
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to spirited, saccharine, strangely antiseptic, sedulous, semi-circular, recently renovated, yet still in need of renovation, College Library, where the shelves are long-lasting, but sadly not the men, and the women are checked out but long overdue. Featuring Butler Library undergoing renovation, the band under the administration, and the 7th floor of Hamilton undergoing defecation, the band presents its 28th consecutive, 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve in Organic Chemistry while consummating the world's largest simultaneous Orgo.
[who owns]
Last spring the administration held a contest to come up with an adjective to describe this magnificent shrine to education, the College Library. The finalists were "fun-tastic" and "Jacob Milstein Family." "Fun-tastic" wasn't signing any checks. "Jacob Milstein Family" is now being used to describe the former Burgess Library, which means that Mr. Milstein must have signed a pretty big check, and Mr. Burgess must have been dead just long enough. If only Mr. Uris were dead a little bit longer. But change is everywhere these days. The strangely dizzying pattern of floor tiles in the bathrooms mean that students are so mesmerized that they now actually have an excuse for missing the urinal. Next up for renovation is the stacks. Library officials announced earlier this semester that they have finally slain the minotaur that had been roaming around in there, devouring students and hiding books, and construction can safely begin. According to Mark Burstein, Columbia's Head Librarian and only remaining man-beast, it is now, quote, "significantly less likely" that you will be killed and eaten while looking for a book. The administration's other big plan was to take over 100,000 books off-campus for storage, but they had to cancel that when they realized they couldn't find any of the books. The band now plays a song by another relic of a bygone age: John Bon Jovi.
[Prayer]
Recently our good friends over at Barnard got into trouble when some students noticed that their admissions brochure advertised the school's high marriage rate. The school had to come up with a new booklet, and we managed to find a copy. Here is an excerpt:
Founded in 1887, Barnard is a close-knit community of militant lesbians and anorexics. Gone are the days of majoring in home ec, with a concentration in vacuuming. Barnard has modernized its curriculum to match the needs of today's woman, and now offers 3 majors: Marxist Women's Studies, Maoist Women's Studies, and the Poetry of Sylvia Plath. The housing arrangements, homey as a women's prison, reflect this orientation. Triple rooms are available for those interested in hard-core action, such as that seen in the classic film, "Sorority Sisters 3: Suzie's New Friend." Be careful, though. Hair-pulling has been against the rule at Barnard since 1993, and this is strictly enforced."
The band now forms a lesbian orgy and plays "Everybody Have Fun Tonight."
[Wang Chung]
But wait, here are some more excerpts from the brochure:
Barnard College is a place for self-discovery. A current student summed up her experience: "When I came here, I thought I might be bisexual. Now I know I'm a lesbian." But Barnard's not just about Sapphic lust. If you find that all-girl orgies don't satisfy you, perhaps you should sample from the wide selection of illicit drugs available everywhere on campus, or consider joining Barnard's Pierced Nipple Society, which features mixers with the SEAS cock-ring club. You could even start your own girl band, and play at Lilith Fair, or just get an acoustic guitar and sing about your clit at Post Crypt. One of the most popular clubs on campus is "Cats and the Single Woman," for future spinsters. You know that urban legend about the woman and the dog and the peanut butter at the surprise party? She went to Barnard, too!
Just remember: Adolf Hitler was a man: Go to Barnard."
The band now forms a dental dam and plays "Carry On my Wayward Women's College."
[Carry On]
The new food product Olestra has come under criticism in recent months because, even in its new, improved formula, it can cause loose stools and anal leakage. We in the band feel we must come to the defense of this maligned product, and anal leakage in general. Olestra has many good uses that the mainstream media have simply ignored. How else but with Olestra can you have a laxative in potato chip form? As one satisfied customer put it, "After four chips I can fit my whole fist up my ass." Without Olestra, millions of Americans would be denied the pleasures of fisting. In the words of another law-abiding American, "Hmm. *Magnesium sulfide.* That's something my body needs anyway. I like that." Perhaps its greatest asset, with Olestra you can go to the store, buy a Sunday New York Times and a bag of potato chips, and enjoy yourself all day long. The band now forms a blumpkin and plays, "I Hear You Knocking, but It's Gonna Be Awhile."
[Knocking]
As you may be aware, Dan Gati, the Spectator Sports Section's ace reporter, recently published a column in which he criticized the band rather strongly. It was far from the first time he had done this, but at least he didn't blame us for the basketball team's losing record this time. Now, it is the band's policy, when we are attacked, to stoop to the level of our attacker, or even lower if possible. We debated how we should make fun of Mr. Gati: we could talk about how he makes up for a double digit IQ with a double digit ERA. Or we could talk about his inability to write three coherent sentences. But we decided to focus tonight on his sexual inadequacies. Normally, this would be called an ad hominem attack, but in this case the correct term is ad microphallum. Dan "Premature Ejaculation" Gati, as he is known to the ladies, has always had problems with his "penis," which at 3 inches long is considered short even by ZBT standards. Even more, his "penis" is covered with a strange venereal disease that makes it look like a coral reef. He plans to take himself and his "penis" off to law school, because the pro scouts say single-A league baseball is out of the question, and the Boy Scouts have said that they don't consider flaccidity and gonnorhea "good leadership skills." His near impotence with his "penis" is matched only by his lack of performance at the plate. He won't be pitching, so he'll have to be catching, but his knees are too worn out for that. At least he has a strong right forearm. We asked the author of that L + R essay about hermaphrodites how she would characterize Gati. She said that he is neither a merm, a herm, nor a ferm, and that his only sexual equivalent is the American Gladiator Lace.
[American Gladiators]
You may be aware that this afternoon, our country commenced a military strike code-named Operation Desert Fox, after the great American General Erwin Rommel. We all want to do our best to help our nation's war effort, but we should be careful not to take out our aggression against his countrymen behind the counter at Tom's Restaurant. Let our boys do the fighting. Though the good people who work at Tom's have the same nationality as the madman Saddam, it does not mean that they necessarily support his evil plans to take over the world and kill all Americans. We should remember not to make stereotypes: not all of those people are bad. Consider the pro wrestler The Iron Sheik, who hails from that country and is an upstanding citizen. There are repercussions to thoughtless jingoism. Look what happened in World War II when we put all those Chinese in prison camps, just because they were communists. Even though Tom's has raised its prices recently, probably to send money to their war-ravaged homeland, we should gladly pay an extra quarter for the exotic traditional dish that they call, "a bowl of sour cream." The band now forms a Tomahawk missile landing in a bowl of sour cream and plays some indigenous music from that country.
[Sweet Child]
Before we leave you, we feel we should pay lip service to the idea that this is orgo night, even though the organic chemistry exam isn't tomorrow, so we're giving you some study hints:
SGA, or Silicon doped with Germanium and Arsenic, can be used as a semi-conductor, whereas SGA, or Student Government Association, is a semi-organization filled with doped-up Barnard chicks.
Fruit can produce ADP, or Adenisine Diphosphate, whereas ADP, or Alpha Delta Phi, can produce fruits.
If your litmus paper turns blue, it means the solution is a base.
If your litmus paper turns red, it means the solution is an acid.
If your litmus paper makes the walls breathe as your eyes go BLAM! while the sun sets behind the swirling fluorescent kaleidoscope of Fruity Pebbles in the endless chain of karma sucking you up like the last piece of lint in the great belly button called Earth, it means YOU'RE on acid.
Thank you, and good night.
[March out to Raw]